The Married Man

Characters in the Play

• Dr. George Grainger
• William Brentnall
• Mrs. Plum
• Jack Magneer
• Annie Calladine
• Ada Calladine Sisters
• Emily Calladine
• Sally Magneer, Jack’s sister
• Mr. Magneer, Father of Jack And Sally
• Elsa Smith, Brentnall’s Fiancee
• Gladys
• Tom, husband of Gladys
• Ethel, Grainger’s wife

ACT I

SCENE: A bedroom shared by orainger and Brentnall in the cottage of Mrs. Plum. Both men are dressing, Grainger goes to the door and calls to Mrs. Plum.

Grainger

Bring me some collars up.

Brentnall

And what are you going to do?

Grainger

God knows.

Brentnall

How much money have you got?

Grainger

Four damn quid.

Brentnall

Hm! — You’re well off, considering. But what do you think of doing?

Grainger

I don’t know.

Brentnall

Where do you think of going Saturday?

Grainger

Hell.

Brentnall

Too expensive, my boy— four quid won’t carry you there.

Grainger

Oh chuck it, Billy.

Brentnall

What the Hanover’s the good of chucking it? You’re not a blooming cock robin, to take no thought for the morrow.

Enter Mrs. Plum with the collars.

Mrs. Plum

Gee, I’m sorry I forgot ‘em, Dr. Grainger. I’m ever so sorry.

Grainger

Don’t fret yourself about that, Mrs. Plum. You’re all right, you are.

Mrs. Plum

Gee, but I can’t get it out of my head, that there what you’ve just told me.

Grainger

You want to sneeze hard, Mrs. Plum. That’ll shift it.

Mrs. Plum

(laughing)Hee-Hee—hark you there now. And have you got rid of it off your mind, Dr. Grainger?

Grainger

My head’s as clear as a bell o’ brass, Mrs. Plum. Nothing ails me.

Mrs. Plum

My word, it doesn’t. My word, but you’re looking well, you’re a sight better than when you come. Isn’t he, Mr. Brentnall?

Brentnall

He’s too healthy for anything, Mrs. Plum—lie’s so healthy, he’d walk slap into a brick wall, and never know he’d hurt himself.

Mrs. Plum

Gee—I don’t know. But that there as you told me, Dr. Grainger—

Grainger

Here, you go and see if that’s Jack Magneer, and if it is, let him come up.

Mrs. Plum

You’re a caution, you are that, Dr. Grainger. (Exit.)

Brentnall

The girl is gone on you, the kid is yours. You are a married man, and you mean to abide by your family?

Grainger

What the devil else is there to do?

Brentnall

Very well. Have you bothered about another job?

Grainger

No – I did when I was in Wolverhampton. Look what a fiendish business it is, offering yourself and being refused like a dog.

Brentnall

So you’ve taken no steps.

Grainger

No.

Brentnall

And you’ve absolutely no idea what you’re going to do on Saturday, when you’ve finished here?

Grainger

No.

Brentnall

And yet you mean to stick by your wife and kid?

Grainger

What else can I do?

Brentnall

Well, you’re a beauty! You’re just skulking, like a frightened rabbit.

Grainger

Am I, begad?

Brentnall

Are you fond of the kid?

Grainger

I shouldn’t like anything to happen to it.

Brentnall

Neither should I. But the feelings of your breast towards it—?

Grainger

Well, I’m a lot fonder of that youngster at my digs in Wolverhampton—you know—

Brentnall

Then you feel no paternal emotion?

Grainger

No. Don’t talk rot.

Brentnall

How often have you been over to see your wife?

Grainger

Once.

Brentnall

Once since you were married?

Grainger

Yes.

Brentnall

And that when the baby was first born?

Grainger

Yes.

Brentnall

And you’re living—which, a recluse, or a gay bachelor?

Grainger

You can imagine me a recluse.

Brentnall

You’re a blossom, Georgie, you’re a jewel of a muddler.

Grainger

How could I help it! I was careful enough with the girl—I never thought, to tell you the truth, that—here’s Jack!

Brentnall

That what?

Grainger

Shut up. Jack’s a fine fellow.

Brentnall

Needs to be, to match you.

Grainger

Now Bill Brentnall, none of your sark.

Jack’s voice

How long are you going to be?

Grainger

How-do Jack! Shan’t be a sec. Come up. Enter Jack Magneer — aged 83— very big, a farmer, something of a gentleman, wears leggings and breeches, and a black bow tie.

Jack

Seem to be donning yourselves up—how are you?

Grainger

Mr. Magneer—Mr. Brentnall: Jack—Billy.

Jack

Yis, quite so. How are you, Billy?

Brentnall

I’m very well. You’re Miss Magneer’s brother?

Grainger

Sally’s.

Jack

Yis, I am, and what of it?

Brentnall

Oh—only you are lucky.

Grainger whistles gaily.

Jack

What you whistling for, George lad? Aren’t I lucky?

Grainger

I wish Sally was my sister, Jack.

Jack

Yis, you do, an’ so do I, George lad—then me an’ you’d be brothers.— Oh, my good God, are you going to be all night tittivating yourselves up?

Grainger

Jack’s in a hurry.

Jack

No I’m not, but damn it all—

Grainger

All right Jacko, all right. I know she’s a very nice girl—

Brentnall

Where are you taking me?

Grainger

To see some real fine girls.

Jack

Not so much fine girls, Billy— some damn nice girls, nice girls, mind you.

Grainger

Quite right, Jacko. (Seriously.) No, but they are, Billy, real nice girls. Three sisters, orphans.

Jack

An’ the oldest of them will happen to be Mrs. Grainger—eh, what?

Grainger

Liar!

Jack

You sec Billy, it’s like this. I’m glad you’ve come, because it levels us up. I believe you’re a nice chap. Don’t you take me wrong. I mean you’re not one of these damn sods as can see nowt in a girl but—you know.

Brentnall

Yes.

Grainger

Yes, Billy knows. Most moral young man.

Jack

Fooling apart, George, aren’t they nice girls?

Grainger

Really nice girls, they are.

Jack

But you see, there’s three of ‘em—an’ we’ve never been but two of us—d’you twig?

Brentnall

I twig.

Jack

But no fooling, mind you.

Brentnall

Thanks for your caution, Mr. Magneer.

Jack

Oh no, no. Nothing of the sort: only they are nice girls—you see what I mean—oh no, Billy—

Grainger

And three of ‘em.

Brentnall

And the odd one falls to me. Thanks, I was horn to oblige.

Jack

Now Billy, no. I want you t’have a good time. You see what I mean. I’m willing to step aside. You’re here only for a bit—I’m always here. So I want you—

Grainger

“I want all of you t’have a good time.”

Jack

Yis, I do. I do that, George.

Grainger

That’s always Jacko’s cry— “I want you t’have it your own road. I’m willing any road. I want you t’have a good time.” Self-effacing chap is Jack.

Brentnall

Do I put on a dinner Jacket?

Grainger

Good God no—have you brought one?

Brentnall

Well—I might have to dine at some people’s down towards Ashbourne.

CURTAIN

ACT II

SCENE: A long, low dining room —table laid for supper—bowls of crimson and white flowers, a large lamp—an old-fashioned room, furnished with taste.

The oldest miss Calladine—aged 82, tall, slim, pale, dressed in black, wearing Parma violets, looks ladylike, but rather yearning. She walks about restlessly.

Enter Dr. Grainger.

Annie

Aren’t you late?

Grainger

A little—waiting for my friend. He’s gone round to “The George” with Jack—some arrangement about farm stock. (He takes both her hands, which she offers him yearningly, and, after glancing round, kisses her hastily, as if unwillingly.) Where’s Emily?

Annie

Emily and Ada are both entertaining Mrs. Wesson in the drawing room. I hope they’ll get rid of her before Jack comes. I’m afraid we are being talked about. I’m afraid I’m not doing my duty by the girls.

Grainger

What do you mean?

Annie

You are here so often.

Grainger

I’m going away directly, so you’ll be safe after Saturday.

Annie

Really going away on Saturday—really—really. (Puts her hands on his shoulders.)

Grainger

That’s right.

Annie

Then people will talk more than ever. I shall be considered loose: and what’s to become of the girls—

Grainger

You considered loose—oh Caesar!

Annie

Where are you going?

Grainger

Don’t know.

Annie

Why won’t you tell me?

Grainger

Because I don’t know. I am waiting for a letter—it will come tomorrow. Either I shall be going to Scotland, or down to London—one or the other, hut I don’t know which.

Annie

Scotland or London!

Grainger

I hope it’s London.

Annie

Why do you?

Grainger

Well—more life, for one thing.

Annie

And is it “life” you want? That sort of life?

Grainger

Not that sort, exactly—but —oh, by the way, I told you I was bringing my friend—

Annie

Mr. Brentnall—yes.

Grainger

Well, don’t be surprised if I seem rather different tonight, will you? Billy’s very circumspect, very circumspect—nice, mind you, but good.

Annie

I see.

Grainger

You’ll like him though.

Annie

(bitingly) In spite of his goodness.

Grainger

Yes, I know you like “life” better than “goodness”—don’t you now? (He puts his hand under her chin.)

Annie

(drawing away) You seem to know a great deal about me.

Grainger

I know what you want.

Annie

What?

Grainger

(glancing round to see if he is safe—taking her in his arms, pressing her close, kissing her. She submits because she can scarcely help herself—there is a sound of feet and voices—he hastily releases her) That!

Annie

(struggling with herself) Indeed no, Dr. Grainger.

Grainger

That’s the ticket—keep it up, Annie. Enter Emily and ada Calladine— Emily, aged 27, quiet, self-possessed, dressed all in black—ada, aged 23— rather plump, handsome, charmingly young and wicked-looking—dressed in black and purple, with a crimson flower,

Annie

Has Mrs. Wesson gone?

Ada

Not before she heard a man’s voice—I told her you were engaged.

Grainger

You what?

Ada

(bursting with laughter) I told her Annie was engaged.

Annie

(severely) With a caller, you mean, Ada?

Grainger

Oh, I see.

Ada

Yes—oil yes—oh how funny!

Grainger

Not funny at all—Jack’s doing some business round at “The George,” Emily.

Emily

Is he?

Grainger

(discomfited) I think I’ll go and hurry them up.

Ada

Do!

Annie

You think it is quite safe to bring your good friend here?

Grainger

Oh, quite safe, Annie—don’t be alarmed. Ta-ta! (Exit. He is heard running down the stairs.)

Annie

I don’t think Dr. Grainger improves on acquaintance.

Ada

We’ve never got any further with him, so we can’t say.

Emily

Why do you think so, Annie?

Annie

(rather haughtily) You would not guess what he said to me.

Ada

I think you’ve given him rather a long rope.

Annie

(with dignity) If I have, he’s hit me across the face with it.

Emily

What did he say, Annie?

Annie

He is bringing a friend—a school and college friend—in a bank in London now—rather genteel, I believe. Well, Dr. Grainger said to me this evening: “You know my friend is very circumspect, very circumspect, so you won’t be surprised if my behavior is rather different this evening.”

Ada

Oh indeed!

Emily

You should have kept him more in his place, Annie.

Annie

I should, but I thought he was a gentleman. I don’t know how we’re going to receive them this evening.

Emily

We need simply take no notice of him, and be just polite.

Annie

But we don’t know what he may have told his friend about us.

Emily

I never cared for him.

Ada

Oh, what ripping fun!

Annie

Ada, be careful what you do and say.

Ada

It’s not I who’ve put my foot in it. It is you if anyone.

Annie

I have been too free, perhaps; but you cannot say I have put my foot in it. I wish I had never admitted Dr. Grainger at all—but he came with Jack—

Emily

We shall go through all right with it. Simply despise Dr. Grainger.

Annie

He is despicable.

Ada

He is here.

Annie

Emily, will you go downstairs and receive them? Ada, you stay here.

Exit Emily—voices downstairs.

Ada

They are all three here—I must go also. (Exit.)

Annie Calladine straightens her hair before the mirror, rubs out her wrinkles, puts her flowers nicely, and seats herself with much composure. Enter Grainger and Brentnall, followed by Ada Calladine.

Grainger

(stiffly) Miss Annie Calladine—Mr. Brentnall.

Brentnall

What a nice smell of flowers.

Annie

It is the mezereon that Mr. Magneer brought.

Brentnall

Did Mr. Magneer bring flowers? I shouldn’t have thought the idea could occur to him.

Annie

He always brings flowers from the garden. It would never occur to him to buy them for us.

Brentnall

I see—how nice of him.

Grainger

All country fellows cart handfuls of flowers that they’ve got out of their own gardens, to their girls.

Annie

Nevertheless, Mr. Magneer does it nicely.

Enter Magneer and Emily.

Jack

Now we seem as if we’re going to be all right. What do you say, George?

Grainger

I say the same.

Annie

Do take a scat, all of you. Jack, you love the couch—

Jack

It’s a very nice couch, this is. (Sits down.)

Brentnall

I should think it would be the easiest thing in life to write a poem about a couch. I wonder if the woman was giving Cowper a gentle hint—

Ada

(shrieking with laughter) Yes-yes—yes!

Brentnall

I never sec a couch but my heart moves to poetry. The very buttons must be full of echoes—

Jack

(bending his ear) Can’t hear ‘em, Billy.

Brentnall

Will none of you tune his ear?

Ada

Yes—yes!

Emily

(seating herself quietly beside Jack) What is it you are listening for, Jack?

Jack

(awkwardly) I’ve no idea.

Annie

Where will you sit, Mr. Brentnall? Do choose a comfortable chair! Brentnall (seating himself beside her); Thanks very much.

Jack

Nay—nay—nay, Billy.

Brentnall

(rising suddenly) Er— there’s a broken spring in that chair, Miss Calladine. (He crosses the hearth.)

Annie

I’m so sorry—have a cushion —do!

Brentnall

Will you allow me to sit here?

Ada

Let me give you some supper.

Grainger

Shall I administer the drinks?

Grainger gives the women burgundy, the men whisky and soda, Ada Calladine hands round food, Grainger seats himself reluctantly beside Annie Calladine. Ada Calladine takes a low chair next to Brentnall.

Jack

Now we are all right—at least I hope so.

Brentnall

(to Ada) You are quite all right?

Ada

(laughing) As far as I know.

Brentnall

(to Emily) I can see you are perfectly at home, (Emily bows quietly, with a smile.) And you, Miss Calladine?

Annie

Thank you!

Brentnall

Gentlemen—the ladies!

Grainger

(ironically) God bless ‘em.

Jack

Amen! (They drink.)

Ada

Ladies—the gentlemen!

Annie

God help them.

Emily

Amen! (They drink.)

Brentnall

Wherein must the Lord help us, Miss Calladine?

Annie

To run away, Mr. Brentnall.

Emily

Annie!

Ada

To come to the scratch, you mean. Brentnall: Ha! Gentlemen—to marriage !

Jack

I don’t think!

Annie

What is your comment, Dr. Grainger?

Grainger

Mine!

Brentnall

Dr. Grainger is a confirmed misogynist.

Grainger

Shut up, you fool.

Annie

Oh—we’ve not heard so before.

Jack

D’you mean George doesn’t believe in marriage? Nay, you’re wrong there. When th’ time comes—

Annie

When does the time come for a man to marry, Jack?

Jack

When he can’t help it, I s’d think. (Silence.)

Brentnall

You’re very quiet, George.

Grainger

Don’t you be a fool.

Annie

Your humor is not very complimentary this evening, Dr. Grainger.

Jack

There’s perhaps too many of us in th’ room, eh?

Annie

Not too many for me, Jack.

Ada

(bursting into laughter) Do be complimentary, somebody, if only to cheer us up.

Jack

(putting his arm round Emily’s waist) Yis, I will.

Brentnall

(putting his arm round Ada’s neck) May I kiss you, Ada?

Ada

(laughing) How (laughs)—how awfully nice (laughs heartily) of you. (Brentnall kisses her.)

Jack

Oh my God, now we’re coming on. (He kisses Emily furtively.)

Brentnall

Mind your own business. (Seizes a newspaper, and screens it before him and Ada—they put their heads together.)

Jack

I call that comin’ on—eh what? Brentnall (to ada—behind the newspaper): Well I’ll be damned!

Annie

(loudly and sarcastically) Do you like the flavor, Mr. Brentnall?

Brentnall

(from behind the paper) Excellent! (Sotto voce.) You are awfully jolly.

Jack

(bouncing with surprise) Well strike me lucky!

Brentnall

(throwing him another newspaper) Here you are then!

Jack

Good God! (He spreads the paper before him and Emily.)

Grainger

You damn fool, Billy Brentnall.

Brentnall

Dog in the manger. (Softly to Ada.) Do you think I’m a fool? No, you like me.

Jack

(from behind his paper) How’re you going on, Billy?

Brentnall

Fine. How’re you going on, George?

The four peep over their newspapers at Grainger and Annie.

Brentnall

Temperature down at freezing point over there?

Grainger

I’ll have it out of you for this, William.

Annie

Why, what has Mr. Brentnall done amiss, Dr. Grainger?

Brentnall

(from behind his paper) Oh, it’s not I. It’s George’s sins finding him out. Be sure your sins will find you out.

Ada

(softly) You’re not a bit what I thought you would be.

Brentnall

(softly) Worse or better?

Ada

(laughing) Oh—better.

Brentnall

What did you think I should be?

Ada

Circumspect.

Grainger sends a cushion smashing through their paper.

Jack

What the devil’s up, George?

Annie

Oh, it annoys him to see other people enjoying themselves when he can’t.

Brentnall

(spreading the paper for screen) The nail on the head, Miss— may I say Annie?

Annie

Yes, Mr. Brentnall.

Brentnall

I wish I were two men, Annie.

Grainger sends the cushion again smashing through the newspaper.

Jack

God help thee George, do settle down.

Brentnall

(spreading the paper again) It’s high time he did—settle down, Georgie—it’s good advice.

Ada

(softly) What makes him so cross tonight?

Brentnall

(softly) Don’t know—unless he’s shy.

Ada

(bursting with laughter) Shy!

Brentnall

Why, isn’t he?

Ada

You should sec the way he carries on—

Brentnall

With you?

Ada

Annie.

The cushion crashes through the paper.

Jack

Damn thee George, take Annie downstairs a minute, if tha can’t hide still.

Grainger

That fool there—!

Brentnall

(restoring the fragments of paper—softly—to ada) You know there’s a secret about Dr. Grainger.

Ada

Oh! (Laughs.) Do tell me.

Grainger

Billy Brentnall!

Brentnall

I bear you calling me.

Ada

Do tell me the secret.

Brentnall

Kiss me then. (They hiss —she laughs.) You are awfully jolly. (Kisses her under the ear.)

Ada

(shaking with laughter) Don’t, don’t, oh don’t!

Brentnall

Does my mustache tickle you? Sorry.

Jack

Nation seize me, did ever you hear?

Grainger

Such a fool? I’ll bet you never did.

Ada

Tell me that secret.

Brentnall

George has got another girl.

Ada

Who? Where?

Grainger

Oh, cheese it, Billy.

Brentnall

Sally Magneer.

Grainger

Damn you.

Ada

No!

Brentnall

Fact! She told me herself.

Jack

What’s that, George?

Grainger

(to Brentnall) Liar!

Brentnall

It’s the truth—mine’s pistols.

Jack

You’re a devil, George, you’re a devil.

Grainger

(bitterly) I am that!

Emily

And what is Mr. Brentnall?

Jack

(shaking his head) Nay, I’m not going to say. (He rises heavily, draws Emily after him, and goes out of the room.)

Brentnall

(rising) Well, this newspaper’s no more good.

Ada

There’s a fire in the drawing room—and real screens there.

Brentnall

And Jack docs occupy himself. Right you are.

Grainger

Chuck it, Billy.

Brentnall

What?

Grainger

None o’ that.

Brentnall

Well, I’ll go to—

Grainger

I’ve no doubt.

Annie

Dr. Grainger is afraid of being left alone: he must have someone to protect him.

Brentnall

What from?

Annie

Presumably from me. (To Grainger.) Will you go down with Ada to the drawing room? Ada, do you mind?

Ada

Not at all. (Exit.)

Grainger

(bitterly) Very nice of you, Annie, very nice of you. (Exit.)

Brentnall and Annie seat themselves.

Annie

What do you think of all this, Mr. Brentnall?

Brentnall

Why, it’s a mere lark. Jack is really courting Emily, and Ada is sheer mischief, and I’m quite decent, really.

Annie

Are you really?

Brentnall

Judge from your own instinct.

Annie

I think you are—and is Dr. Grainger?

Brentnall

What do you think?

Annie

There is something not nice about him.

Brentnall

Has he been courting you?

Annie

(drawing herself up) Well—!

Brentnall

You sec, it’s a pity—

Annie

What is a pity?

Brentnall

Why—shall I say just what I think—?

Annie

I want you to.

Brentnall

Well then—it’s a pity that girls like you—you are over thirty?

Annie

Yes.

Brentnall

It’s a pity that so many of the best women let their youth slip by, because they don’t find a man good enough—and then, when dissatisfaction becomes a torture—later on—you are dissatisfied with life, you do lack something big.

Annie

Yes.

Brentnall

When it comes to that stage, the want of a man is a torture to you. And since the common men make the advances—

Annie

Yes!

Brentnall

(putting his arm round her and kissing her) You are either driven to a kind of degradation, or you go nearly, slightly mad from want—

Annie

Yes!

Brentnall

(kissing her) If you want love from men like Grainger, take it for what it’s worth—because we’re made so that either we must have love, or starve and go slightly mad.

Annie

But I don’t want that kind of love.

Brentnall

But do be honest with yourself. Don’t cause a split between your conscious self and your unconscious—that is insanity. You do want love, almost any sort. Make up your mind what you’ll accept, or what you won’t, but keep your ideal intact. Whatever men you take, keep the idea of man intact: let your soul wait whether your body does or not. But don’t drag the first down to the second. Do you understand?

Annie

I could love you.

Brentnall

But I am going away in a day or two, and most probably shall not be here again—and I am engaged. You see, so many women are too good for the men, that for every decent man, there are thirty decent women. And you decent women go and waste and wither away. Do think it out square, and make the best of it. Virginity and all that is no good to you.

Annie

And what would you advise?

Brentnall

Know men, and have men, if you must. But keep your soul virgin, wait and believe in the good man you may never have.

Annie

It is not very—what made Dr. Grainger so queer tonight?

Brentnall

Because he’s married.

Annie

I felt it—to whom?

Brentnall

A girl in Wolverhampton —married last January, a son in March, now it’s June.

Annie

Oh, the liar!—And what sort of girl?

Brentnall

Decent, I believe.

Annie

Does she love him?

Brentnall

Yes.

Annie

The brute—the—

Brentnall

He doesn’t love her, you see—

Annie

It makes it no better—and she doesn’t know how he’s—

Brentnall

Of course not.

Annie

I wonder if I know her—what’s her name?

Brentnall

Marson—her people are tailors in Broad Street.

Annie

No, I don’t know her!—But to think—

Brentnall

Don’t be too ready to blame.

Annie

You men are all alike.

Brentnall

Not true—who is coming?

Annie

I don’t know.

Enter Sally Magneer—a very big, strapping farmer’s daughter, evidently moderately well off.

Sally

Good evening—Jack here?

Annie

Good evening. Yes, I believe he’s in the drawing room with Dr. Grainger.

Sally

That’s how you arrange it, is it? (To Brentnall.) Nice, isn’t it?

Brentnall

Very nice.

Sally

Who else is in the drawing room?

Annie

My sisters. I believe they’re having some music.

Sally

They don’t make much noise over it, anyway. Can I go and see?

Annie

Certainly.

Brentnall opens the door for her, and whistles quickly a private call —repeats it. Grainger’s whistle is heard in answer.

Sally

All right, I won’t drop in on you too sudden. (Exit.)

Annie

What impertinence!

Brentnall

(laughing) She’s made a dead set at Grainger. If he weren’t married, she’d get him.

Annie

How disgusting!

Brentnall

Maybe—but a woman who determines soon enough to get married, succeeds. Delay is fatal—and marriage is beastly, on most occasions.

Annie

I will go to the drawing room. Will you excuse me? (Exit, Brentnall pours himself a drink. Enter Grainger.)

Grainger

What the hell have you been up to?

Brentnall

What the hell have you been up to?

Grainger

What have you been stuffing into Annie?

Brentnall

What have you been stuffing into Ada?

Grainger

Nothing, you devil.

Brentnall

Nothing, you devil.

Grainger

What’s Sally after?

Brentnall

You.

Grainger

She ought to be shot.

Brentnall

So ought you.

Enter Jack.

Jack

What the hell’s up tonight?

Brentnall

My tail, and George’s dander, and your—but what’s Miss Magneer after?

Jack

That’s what I want to know. You know George here, he’s a devil. He’s been on wi’ some little game with our Sally.

Grainger

You sweet liar, Jack.

Jack

Now George, what is it?

Grainger

Nothing, Jack. Sally’s taken a fancy to me, an’ gives me no chance. Can’t you see for yourself?

Jack

I can, George—an’ tha shanner be pestered.

Grainger

There’s Charlie Greenhalgh won’t speak to me now—thinks I’m running him off. I‘ve no desire to run Charlie off.

Jack

Sally’s as good as you, George.

Grainger

Maybe, and a thousand times better. But that doesn’t say as I want to marry her.

Jack

No, George, no, that is so, lad.

Enter Sally and the other ladies.

Sally

How would you arrange six folks in three chairs—?

Grainger

Couldn’t do it.

Sally

I don’t think! What’s your opinion, Ada?

Ada

Why am I asked for my opinion? I’ve never sat in a chair with Dr. Grainger.

Sally

Where have you sat then?

Ada

I may have sat on his knee while he sat in the chair.

Sally

Here, young man, explain yourself.

Grainger

Well, I’ll be damned!

Brentnall

Sooner or later.

Jack

Now look here, our Sally, we’re havin’ none o’ this. Charlie Green-halgh is your man; you stick to him, and leave other young fellows alone.

Sally

Oh you are good, Jack! And what about the girl you took to Blackpool?

Jack

Say no more, Sally, now say no more,

Sally

No, I won’t. Do you want me to drive you up to Selson, because th’ cart’s at the door?

Jack

No, we’ll walk up.

Grainger

I dunno, Jack. It’s getting late, and I believe Billy’s tired. He’s a convalescent, you know.

Jack

Never thought of it, lad. Sorry—sorry.

They bid good night. Exeunt Sally and Grainger, Emily, Jack, and Ada.

Annie

Isn’t he a thing!

Brentnall

He’s not bad—do be honest.

Annie

Oh but!

Brentnall

Remember what I say— don’t starve yourself, and don’t degrade the idea of men.

Annie

And shall I never see you again?

Brentnall

If I can, I will come again.

Annie

Goodbye. He kisses her rather sorrowfully, and departs. Annie Calladine closes the door—drinks the last drain from his glass — weeps — dries her eyes as the girls come upstairs. There is a calling of goodbye from outside.

Ada

What’s amiss?

Annie

Plenty.

Emily

What?

Annie

Dr. Grainger is only married and got a child.

Ada and Emily

No—where—is his wife living?

Annie

His wife is at her home, in Wolverhampton—Broad Street.

Ada

I’ll write to her—I will—I will.

Annie

No, Ada—no.

Ada

I will — I will — I will: “Dear Mrs. George Grainger, come and look after your husband. He is running the rig out here, and if you don’t come quick—”

She has flung her writing case onto the table, and sits down to write. Vain cries of “Ada,” “Ada,” from Annie Calladine.

CURTAIN

ACT III

SCENE: The kitchen at Magneer’s farm, Sally Magneer, Emily Calladine, Ada Calladine. Mr. Magneer, farmer, not fat, but well looking: grey hair, black moustache; at present rather maudlin, Jack Magneer, still in riding breeches and leggins. Grainger and Brentnall, both in tennis flannels, Jack and Emily sit together on a large old couch, Grainger next to them, Sally is in a chair, looking as if any moment she would take wing, Brentnall is flirting with Ada Calladine.

Mr. Magneer

An’ so you really goin’ ter leave us, Dr. Grainger.

Grainger

That is so, Mr. Magneer.

Mr. Magneer

An’ when might you be goin’?

Grainger

Saturday.

Mr. Magneer

Tomorrow! My word, that’s sharp. Well, I know one as’ll be sorry you goin’.

Sally

Shut up, father. (She giggles, and twists her handkerchief to Grainger.) We s’ll be seeing you again, though?

Grainger

Well, I really can’t say—I’m going to London.

Sally

London! Whatever are you going there for?

Brentnall

Set up a wife and family.

Sally

What, all at once?—Give us a chance.

Brentnall

Not a ghost of a chance, Sally.

Ada Calladine laughs uncontrollably.

Grainger

Got a joke over there?

Ada

(laughing) Yes—yes—yes!

Sally

(jumping up) Just look at your glass! (Takes Grainger’s tumbler and proceeds to mix him rum.) Why ever didn’t you speak?

Mr. Magneer

Yes, you must shout up when you’re emp’y.

Sally

(to Grainger) Like it sweet?

Grainger

(ironically) Not too much.

Sally

(taking the glass and standing in front of him) How’s this for you?

Grainger

(sipping) Quite all right, thank you, Sally.

Mr. Magneer

(laughing) “Quite all right,” hark ye! It’s “quite all right.” (He gives a great wink at Brentnall. Sally begins to giggle.)

Grainger

(lugubriously) Sally’s got ‘em again.

Jack

Sit you down, Sally, an’ don’t look so long o’ th’ leg.

Sally giggles half hysterically, and sinks beside Grainger, who edges away. She leans towards him— laughs uncontrollably.

Mr. Magneer

Now we’re comin’ on. What yer doin’ at ‘er, Doctor?

Grainger

Begad, I’m doing nothing, Mr. Magneer. I dunno what’s got her.

Mr. Magneer

(laughs) He dunno, doesn’t know what’s got her. (To Brentnall.) We don’t, do we?

Brentnall

Not a bit.

Grainger

I’ll have a drop more water. (Rises and goes to table.)

Mr. Magneer

Come Sally, my lass, come.

Sally dries her eyes, still giggles, rises, Grainger hastily takes an odd chair at the table. She stands beside him.

Jack

Are ter goin’ tor sit thysen down, Sally?

Sally

Am I hurtin’ you by standin’?

Jack

Yis, you are.

Brentnall

Fill me up, Sally, there’s a dear, (Sally takes his glass.)

Mr. Magneer

Sally Magneer, there’s a dear.

Grainger

Isn’t Charlie coming?

Sally

No, did you want him?

Grainger

No—but I thought you did.

Sally

(beginning to giggle) Did you? You happen thought wrong.

Brentnall

Poor Charlie.

Sally

What do you know about him?

Brentnall

Now Sally! It’s best to be on with the new love before you’re off with the old.

Sally

(giggling) I don’t know what you mean.

Jack

Art thou going to sit down?

Sally

Yes. (Retires discomfited to the couch.)

Brentnall

(rising) I’ll get a light.

Grainger

Matches?

Brentnall

(going to fire) Never mind. (Lights his cigarette with a spill.)

Ada

(laughing) Goodbye, Billy.

Brentnall

(blowing her kisses) Farewell, farewell. (Sinks on the couch beside Sally.)

Sally

What have you come for?

Brentnall

Won’t you have me, Sally?

Sally

I don’t know.

Grainger

(shuffling the cards) A hand of crib, Mr. Magneer?

Miss Magneer

I don’t mind if I do. Fill up.

Brentnall

(taking Sally’s hand) Hurt your finger?

Sally

My thumb.

Brentnall

Shame! What did you do?

Sally

Chopped it.

Brentnall

How rotten. Is it getting better?

Mr. Magneer

There’s a bit o’ proud flesh in it.

Grainger

Your crib, Mr. Magneer.

Sally

(unwinding the bandage) Yes, it’s going on all right now.

Brentnall

(examining it closely) Yes, that’s healing right enough, but a nasty gash! What did Charlie say to it?

Sally

Charlie!

Brentnall

Yes, Charlie. He’s your fellow, isn’t he?

Sally

I don’t know so much about that.

Brentnall

I heard you were as good as engaged.

Sally

Oh, did you—who’s been telling you?

Brentnall

Mrs. Plum.

Sally

She knows so much, you see.

Brentnall

Let me wrap it up for you. (Bandages her thumb.) But isn’t it right?

Sally

Not as I know of.

Brentnall

Oh, I’m sorry.

Sally

Who arc you sorry for?

Brentnall

Charlie, of course, poor devil.

Sally

You needn’t be sorry for him. Take your sorrow where your love lies.

Brentnall

Then I s’ll have to be sorry for you, Sally.

Sally

I don’t think.

Brentnall

(putting his arm round her waist) I’m sorry you’ve got a bad finger, Sally.

Sally

(beginning to giggle) Are you?

Brentnall

You don’t mind that I’m not Dr. Grainger, do you, Sally?

Sally

What do you mean?

Brentnall

You’d as leave have me as Dr. Grainger?

Sally

Yes, if you like.

Brentnall

(Kissing her) That’s right. (She giggles.)

Mr. Magneer

Whey! Whey — up! Sally, thou scawdrag!

Sally

(giggling hysterically) What am I a scawdrag for?

Mr. Magneer

Hark ye, hark ye! Jack, art takin’ notice over there?

Jack

Billy’s all right, Dad.

Mr. Magneer

Billy? By gosh! Billy!

Grainger

Turn, Mr. Magneer.

Ada

(pegging) Two for his knobs.

Brentnall

You’d as leave have me as Dr. Grainger? (Kisses her under the ear.)

Sally

(with suppressed shrieks) Oh, oh, don’t tickle!

Grainger

(turning around—with contempt) She’ll never stop, Billy, she’s got gigglemania.

Mr. Magneer

Giggolo—what? That’s a good ‘un!

Brentnall

Yes, she will stop—take me seriously, Sally, do! (Squeezes her—Sally giggles wildly. Her head rolls.)

Mr. Magneer

Hark at that—take him seriously!

Sally

(exhausted) Don’t! Don’t! Oh don’t!

Brentnall

Sally, my dear, you are too discouraging for anything. Sit with me nicely.

Sally

Oh! (Lays her head on his shoulder.)

Brentnall

Now we’re coming on. (Kisses her.) You’ve not chipped with Charlie, have you?

Sally

What d’you want to know for?

Brentnall

Sally, my darling.

Mr. Magneer

Gosh, it’s come to “darling”—”darling Sally”!

Brentnall

You haven’t, have you?

Sally

No.

Brentnall

Why hasn’t he come tonight?

Sally

Because he wasn’t asked.

Brentnall

Has he cooled off lately?

Sally

I don’t care whether he has or not.

Brentnall

Neither do I. (Kisses her under the ear. She squeals.)

Jack

God love you, Sally!

Ada

Don’t play cribbage any more, Mr. Magneer. Do play the comb-band.

Mr. Magneer

(throwing away his cards) No, I won’t play any more. Fill up an’ let’s have a dance.

Ada

Yes, yes, yes!

The men drink—Sally and Grainger push aside the table.

Grainger

Comb-band, Mr. Magneer?

Mr. Magneer

(wrapping the comb in tissue paper) That’s the very item. (He staggers slightly—all the men are affected by drink.)

Sally

(to Grainger) You’re going to have one with me?

Grainger

(awkwardly) Er — I’d promised Ada.

Ada

That doesn’t matter. Mr. Brentnall will dance with me. Mr. Magneer (sounding the comb) Now then, are you ready? Sally’s the belle of the ball, and you, Doctor, it’s your party—so lead off.

Grainger

Polka—plain polka.

Brentnall

We shan’t have breath to speak a word.

Sally

Oh my goodness!

The comb-band buzzes away—they start to dance in a prancing fashion.

Sally

You’re not going to leave me?

Grainger

I s’ll have to.

Sally

But you can’t.

Grainger

Why not?

Sally

You can’t leave me now.

Grainger

But I’ve got to go to London—

Jack

Do you reckon you’re really fond of me?

Emily

I know I am—I don’t reckon.

Jack

Not so very good—

Emily

Why not?

Jack

Do you reckon you’ve been nice to me all this while?

Emily

All what while?

Jack

While I’ve been coining to see you.

Emily

And have you been very nice to me, Jack?

Jack

Well, haven’t I?

Emily

No, Jack, you haven’t.

Jack

What do you mean?

Ada

I posted her the letter yesterday.

Brentnall

Why, did you know the address?

Ada

Yes, you told Annie.

Brentnall

Did I? Oh Lord, you little imp.

Ada

It’s our turn now.

Brentnall

Whose turn?

Ada

The women’s.

Brentnall

Don’t be a vixen—

Grainger

Well, you won’t say anything, will you? You see how I’m fixed.

Sally

I don’t know.

Grainger

I’ll see you tomorrow—keep it back till then.

Sally

You’ll see me tomorrow?

Grainger

Yes—

Jack

You think I ought to get engaged to you?

Emily

Or else you ought never to have come as you have—you had the option.

Jack

I dunna want to get married, somehow, Emily.

Emily

Is that final, Jack?

Jack

What do you say?

Emily

You leave me nothing to say.

Jack

Good God, Emily, I’m not a brute.

Emily

I’ve heard you say so often, Jack. But you don’t think it’s been very happy for me—our—our friendship?

Jack

Good God, Emily — have I I been—?

Emily

Afraid of me, Jack. It’s rather humiliating.

Jack

You can have me if you like— I’m not good enough—

Emily

You know I consider you good enough.

Jack

Yis—I know you do.

Emily

Men lack honor nowadays.

Jack

Good God! They dance—Sally suddenly drops exhausted on a couch—Grainger moves to the other side of the room. Jack Magneer flings off his coat.

Jack

By the Lord, it’s hot work! Take your coat off, George.

Grainger and Brentnall take off their coats.

Mr. Magneer

My word, you went well. Have a drink.

Sally

Is th’ door open? Set the back door open, Jack. (He goes out and returns.)

Brentnall

Have the next with me, Sally.

Sally

I will if you like.

Ada

What shall it be?

Brentnall

Waltz Valeta.

Grainger

Try a tune, Mr. Magneer. Mr. Magneer, having repapered his comb, tries a tune, Grainger instructs him. They start off, Sally with Brentnall, Grainger with Ada Calladine.

Brentnall

Why would you rather dance with Dr. Grainger?

Sally

I wouldn’t.

Brentnall

Yes, you would. Don’t forget the two shuffle steps—one—two!

Sally

I’ve never done that before.

Brentnall

Something I’ve taught you then. But why would you rather dance with Grainger?

Sally

I wouldn’t.

Brentnall

You would.

Sally

I wouldn’t.

Brentnall

You would. You’re in love with him.

Sally

Me! That I never am!

Brentnall

You are!

Sally

Well, I never did!

Brentnall

And you’re a fool to be in love with him.

Sally

Why?

Brentnall

For the best of all reasons.

Sally

What’s that?

Brentnall

Because he’s married.

Sally

He’s not!

Brentnall

He is—and has got a son.

Sally

Where?

Brentnall

In Wolverhampton, where he came from.

Sally

Oh, let’s sit down.

Brentnall

No, you must dance with me. Don’t you like to dance with me? It’s too bad, Sally.

Sally

I’m getting dizzy.

Brentnall

You can’t, not in Valeta. Besides, we’ll walk the waltz steps. (He puts his am around her.)

Sally

It’s not right about Dr. Grainger, is it?

A lady in motor cloak and wrap appears in the doorway. The men, slightly tipsy, bend talking to their partners, who arc engrossed. No one notices the newcomer.

Brentnall

It is, on my honor. You believe me, Sally? (She looks him earnestly in the face, as they dance the forward step. When they come together for the waits, he kisses her.) You believe me? Sally (almost in tears): Yes.

Brentnall

It is true. Poor Sally. (Kisses her again. They begin to laugh.)

Jack

All right, I nivcr looked at it in that light.

Emily

I know you didn’t.

Jack

We’ll count as we’re engaged from now, then?

Emily

What will your father say?

Jack

He’ll be just fussy.

Emily

I want him to know—I am so fond of him.

Ada

Oh!

Grainger

What?

They break apart, Jack and Brentnall keep on dancing, the latter kissing Sally, Grainger goes unsteadily to the doorway.

The Lady

I called to see Mr. Brentnall—but don’t disturb him, he looks so happy.

Grainger

Does—does he know you?

The Lady

A little. (She laughs.)

Grainger

Billy! Billy! Brentnall (looking up) What now? (Sees the lady.) No! (Leaves Sally —she sways, he catches her again, takes her to a seat, draws his fingers across her cheek caressingly, and goes to the doorway, reeling slightly.) Quite giddy, don’t you know! Space is so small.

the lady

Not much room for you to spread out, was there?

Brentnall

Was I hugging Sally?

The Lady

Sally! How lovely, how perfectly lovely!

Brentnall

Did I kiss her?

The Lady

“Did I kiss her?” No, no, you poor dear, you didn’t kiss her.

Brentnall

You mean I am drunk.

The Lady

Are you drunk? No!

Brentnall

I am slightly tipsy, more with dancing than drink. Shall I come away?

The Lady

Shall he come away—oh, you dear! Why should I decide for you?

Brentnall

Are you cross?

The Lady

Not in the least. Go and kiss Sally if you will.

Brentnall

Poor Sally—I don’t want to kiss her now.

The Lady

How perfectly lovely! Do introduce me.

Brentnall

Mr. Magneer, Sally Magneer, Emily Calladine, Ada Calladine, Jack Magneer, Dr. Grainger—all of you, Elsa Smith.

Elsa

How awfully nice! Can I come in?

Mr. Magneer

(springing up and boxo-ing tipsily) Make yourself at ‘ome, you’re very welcome, Miss, you’re very welcome.

Elsa

Thank you so much! I should love to dance. I’ve got two friends in the motor car. May I fetch them?

Mr. Magneer

Anybody you like, they’re all welcome here, and there’s plenty to drink for all.

Elsa

So nice! (Exit.)

Grainger

Who the devil—

Brentnall

My betrothed, my fiancee, my girl.

Chorus of Women

You don’t mean it!

Sally

Well! Men—!

Ada

Men?

Emily

Men!

Mr. Magneer

Ooh—you’re done this time, Billy!

Grainger

Well, you devil, Billy Brentnall!

Jack

It’s a corker, Billy, it’s a winder.

Emily

Are you any better, Jack? Jack (fiercely) Look here, Dad. I’m engaged to Emily here, fair and square.

Mr. Magneer

Come here, Em’ler my ducky, come hither, (Emily goes very reluctantly. He kisses her.) I like thee, Em’ler, I like thee. (Kisses her again.)

Jack

Cheese it, Dad.

Mr. Magneer

It’s a winder, it is an’ all.—An’ aren’t you goin’ to be engaged an’ all, Dr. Grainger?

Grainger

Not this time.

Mr. Magneer

Hm! ‘Appen you are engaged!

Grainger

No, I’m not.

Mr. Magneer

Come then, come then, come then.

Re-enter Elsa Smith, with a lady and gentleman.

Elsa

All of you—Gladys and Tom. Gladys—That’s Will—

Mr. Magneer

Ay, ay, Billy! Billy! (It amuses him highly.)

Brentnall

(bowing) I was to come to dinner tonight, I clean forgot. Don’t be angry.

Tom

Check, if no more.

Elsa

Oh, you don’t know Will, you don’t.

Mr. Magneer

An’ you don’t know Billy, Miss, it strikes me. (Laughter.)

Brentnall

Leave me alone—I say, Elsa, Jack (pointing) has just got engaged to Emily.

Elsa

How perfectly charming. I love it all so much.

Brentnall

What?

Elsa

You—this.

Brentnall

Take your cloak off. (Helps her. She is a handsome woman, large, blonde, about 30—dressed for dinner. Tom and Gladys disrobe —they are in dinner dress also.) tom (cynically): I suppose these are adventures.

Gladys

Don’t be a fool, Tom.

Elsa

This is fun.

Brentnall

Will you dance with me, Elsa?

Elsa

No, I won’t.

Brentnall

Angry with me?

Elsa

No. I can dance with you any day.

Grainger

May I have the pleasure?

Elsa

No—forgive me (very kindly)—but I do want to dance with Jack. (To Emily.) May I?

Emily

Certainly, (Jack pulls a face.)

Elsa

He doesn’t want me—but I won’t let him off—no.

Jack

I’m shy, as a matter of fact.

Elsa

How lovely!

Mr. Magneer (to Gladys)

Now Miss, you choose.

Gladys

Will, you must dance with me.

Brentnall

(going to her side) You are shy.

Mr. Magneer

Now Ada, your turn to pick.

Ada looks wickedly at Tom—he bows.

Tom

Thank you.

Ada

Are you shy? (She laughs wick-edly.)

Mr. Magneer

Now for Dr. Grainger. (He hold his fists to Emily.) Which of ‘em? (Emily touches the right fist.) Wrong! (Showing a coin in his left.) Sally gets him.

Sally

Sally doesn’t.

Grainger

Come on, Sally.

Mr. Magneer

Now then, what is it?

Brentnall

Waltz.

The comb begins to buzz—the partners set off dancing—Mr. Magneer breaks the time—they laugh—he beckons Emily, holds the comb in one hand, her with the other, and dances prancingly, buzzing breathlessly.

CURTAIN

ACT IV

SCENE: The bedroom in the cottage, same as Act I. It is nine o’clock in the morning, Grainger and Brentnall are in bed.

Grainger

Billy! (No answer.) You mean to say you’re at it yet? (No answer.) Well, I’ll be damned; you’re a better sleeper even than a liar. (No answer.) Oh strike! (Shies a pillow at Brentnall.)

Brentnall

What the—!

Grainger

I should say so.

Brentnall

Dog in the manger! Go to sleep. I loathe the small hours. Oh-h! (Yawns.)

Grainger

Small hours, begad! It’s past nine o’clock.

Brentnall

(half asleep) Early, frostily early.

Grainger

You mean to say—! (He shies the bolster, viciously.)

Brentnall

Don’t, George! (Sleeps.)

Grainger

Devil! (Shies slippers, one after the other.)

Brentnall

(sitting up suddenly—furious) : Go to blazes! (Lies down again.)

Grainger

If you go to sleep again, Billy B., I’ll empty the water bottle over you—I will.

Brentnall

I’m not asleep.

Grainger

Billy!

Brentnall

What?

Grainger

Did you square Sally?

Brentnall

Eh?

Grainger

No, look here, Billy— Brentnall (stretching his arms) Georgie, you ought to be dead.

Grainger

I’ve no doubt. Billy Brentnall!

Brentnall

What?

Grainger

Did you square Sally?

Brentnall

Sally—Sally—Sally—

Grainger

Chuck it, fool.

Brentnall

I don’t know.

Grainger

What d’you mean?

Brentnall

I told her you were a married man with a family, and begad, you look it—

Grainger

That’s not the point.

Brentnall

I apologize. I say to Sally, “He’s a married man.” Sally says to me: “He’s not.” I say: “He is.” Sally says: “I’m dizzy.” I say: “You might well be.”

Grainger

Chuck it, do chuck it.

Brentnall

It’s the solemn fact. And our confab ended there.

Grainger

It did!

Brentnall

It did.

Grainger

Hm!

Brentnall

You’re going to London to my rooms, aren’t you?

Grainger

You say so.

Brentnall

Very well then—there’s an end of Sally.

Grainger

I’m not so sure.

Brentnall

Why?

Grainger

She said she was coming round here.

Brentnall

When?

Grainger

This morning.

Brentnall

Then don’t get up till this afternoon, and then belt for the station.

Grainger

‘I’ve not settled up at the Surgery.

Brentnall

Thou bungler—has Sally really got a case against you?

Grainger

She’s got a case against some man or other, and she’d prefer it to be me.

Brentnall

But she must see you’re quite a cold egg. And has Charlie Greenhalgh really cried off?

Grainger

No — at least — poor old Charlie’s in a bit of a mess.

Brentnall

How?

Grainger

He was secretary to the football club—and he falsified the balance sheet, and failed to produce about fifteen quid.

Brentnall

He’s not in a very rosy condition for marriage. However, old Magneer’s not short of money?

Grainger

He isn’t, begad!

Brentnall

All right—let him work the oracle. Sally’s no fool—and she’ll be just as well, married to Charlie. You say his farm is going to the dogs. All right, she’ll shoo the dogs off.

Grainger

Very nice.

Brentnall

I think so.

Grainger

Who’s that?

Brentnall

Dunno—get under the bedclothes.

Sound of footsteps—enter Jack Magneer.

Jack

Letting the day get well aired?

Brentnall

I don’t believe in running risks through the chill, damp air of early morning.

Jack

I s’d think you don’t.

Brentnall

Take a sent.

Jack

So you’re going today, George?

Grainger

I am, Jack—and sorry to leave you.

Jack

What’s this our Sally’s been telling me?

Grainger

Couldn’t say, Jack.

Jack

As you’re married—

Brentnall

And got a kid, quite right.

Jack

Is it, George?

Grainger

I believe so.

Jack

Hm! (A pause.)

Brentnall

Well, Jack, say he has your sympathy.

Jack

Yis—yis—he has. But I’m not so sure—

Brentnall

Eh Jack, it’s a hole we might any of us slip into.

Jack

Seemingly. But why didn’t you tell me, George?

Brentnall

Don’t, Jack. Don’t you see, I could give the whole of that recitation. “We’ve been good friends, George, and you’d no need to keep me in the dark like that. It’s a false position for me, as well as for you, etc., etc.” That’s what you want to say?

Jack

Yes—and besides—

Brentnall

Well, look here, Jack, you might have done it yourself. George was let in down at Wolverhampton— kicked out of the town because he owned up and married the girl—hadn’t cither a penny or a job—girl has a good home. Would you have wanted to tell the whole story to these prating fools round here?

Jack

No, I can’t say as I should. But then—

Brentnall

Then what?

Jack

There’s our Sally, and there’s Annie—

Brentnall

What about ‘em?

Jack

He’s courted ‘em both—they’re both up to the eyes in love with him—

Brentnall

Not Annie. On the quiet, she’s rather gone on me. I showed George up in his true light to her.

Grainger

Hotter—rotter!

Brentnall

And I stepped into the limelight, and the trick was done.

Jack

You’re a devil, Billy.—But look here, George, our Sally—

Grainger

Yes—

Jack

She’s—she’s gone a long way— Brentnall (quietly): How do you mean, Jack?

Jack

Well, she’s given up Charlie Greenhalgh—

Brentnall

Not quite. And you know, Jack, she really loves Charlie, at the bottom. There’s something fascinating about George.

Grainger

Damn your eyes, shut up, Billy.

Brentnall

There’s something fascinating about George. He can’t help it. The women melt like wax before him. They’re all over him. It’s not his beauty, it’s bis manliness. He can’t help it.

Grainger

I s’ll smash you, Billy Brentnall, if you don’t shut up.

Jack

Yis, there’s something in it, George.

Brentnall

There is, Jack. Well, he can’t help himself, so you’ve got to help him. It’s no good hitting him when he’s down.

Jack

I’m not hitting him.

Brentnall

And what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to get Charlie Greenhalgh and your Sally together again.

Jack

Me!—It’s nowt to do with me.

Brentnall

Yes, it has. Charlie’s not been up to your place lately, has he?

Jack

No.

Brentnall

And do you know why?

Jack

Yis.

Brentnall

It’s not so much because of George. Have you heard what low water he’s getting into up at New-manley? It appears he’s fifteen quid out with the football club.

Jack

I’ve heard a whisper.

Brentnall

Well, you help him, Jack, for Sally’s sake. She loves him, Jack, she does. And if she married him quick, she’ll pull him through, for she seems to have a business head on her, and a farming head.

Jack

She has that.

Brentnall

Well, you’ll do what you can for poor old Charlie, won’t you?

Jack

I will, Billy. And what time are you going?

Brentnall

2:50 train.

Jack

Well—me and you’s been good pals, George. I must say I’d ha’ done anything for you—

Grainger

I know you would, Jack.

Jack

Yis, an’ I would—an’ I would.

Brentnall

I’m going up to Blythe Hall against Ashbourne for a day or two, Jack. Shall you come up for tennis?

Jack

I hardly think so—we s’ll be busy just now.

Brentnall

Sunday afternoon — yes you will.

Jack

Goodbye, Billy.

Brentnall

Au revoir, Jack.

Jack

Well — goodbye, George — lad. We’ve not done amiss while you’ve been here. I s’ll miss thee.

Grainger

You’ve been all right to me, Jack.

Jack

Yis—I try to do what I can for folks. (Exit.)

Brentnall

The atmosphere clears, George.

Grainger

Oh damn you, shut up.

Brentnall

“Oh, what a sin is base ingratitude!”

Grainger

What did you tell Annie about me?

Brentnall

I said you were quite manly, and couldn’t help yourself; all the virtues of good nature and so on, but a bit of a libidinous goat.

Grainger

Thank you—very nice of you.

Brentnall

Add to this that you won’t face a situation, but always funk it, and you understand why Annie suddenly transferred her affections to me. For I showed myself, by contrast, a paragon of all virtues.

Grainger

You would.

Brentnall

I did.

Grainger

I shan’t go to London to your rooms.

Brentnall

Now George, my dear chap—

Grainger

I shall not, Billy.

Brentnall

Then where will you go?

Grainger

Hell!

Brentnall

My dear, dear fellow, you’ve neither the cash nor the ability.

Grainger

Well, you’re a—

Brentnall

Shall we get up?

Grainger

I will, whether you will or not. (Sits on the side of the bed whis-tling “On the Banks of Allan Water.” Footsteps on the stairs—enter Grainger’s wife, Ethel—rather thin, with a light costume.)

Ethel

George! (She goes forward and kisses him, not noticing Brentnall.) George! (Sinks her head on his shoulder.) George!

Grainger

Ethel—well I’m blessed! (Kisses her.)

Ethel

(drawing away) I had to come.

Grainger

Yes.

Ethel

Are you angry?

Grainger

Me angry! What should I be angry for?

Ethel

I thought you might be.

Grainger

What made you come?

Ethel

I heard you were going away—and your letters seemed so constrained. Are you—?

Grainger

What?

Ethel

Going away?

Grainger

I s’ll have to—this job’s done.

Ethel

You never told me.

Grainger

What was the good?

Ethel

Where are you going?

Grainger

Dunno—I don’t know in the least.

Ethel

Oh George, you must come home. Mother says you must.

Grainger

Hm!

Ethel

Won’t you?

Grainger

I’d rather not.

Ethel

What will you do, then?

Grainger

I may—I shall probably get a job in London.

Ethel

Ob George, don’t, don’t go to London.

Grainger

What else can I do?

Ethel

Come home to Mother with inc.

Grainger

I’ll be damned if I will.

Ethel

No, you never will do anything I ask you.

Grainger

I shan’t do that.

Ethel

Don’t you want to be with me?

Grainger

If I want ever so badly, I can’t, with no money.

Ethel

Then how are you going to live alone, with no money?

Grainger

I can manage for myself.

Ethel

I know what you want, you want to run away. It is mean, mean of you.

Grainger

What’s the good of my coming to your place, there, where they kicked me out?

Ethel

And what if you’ve nowhere else to go? And what are you going to do in London?

Grainger

Look for a job.

Ethel

And what when you’ve got one?

Grainger

Save up to get some things together.

Ethel

How much have you saved here?

Grainger

Not a fat lot—but I have saved.

Ethel

How much?

Grainger

Some—at any rate.

Ethel

Have you been miserable? I know you like plenty of life. Has it made you miserable to be tied up?

Grainger

Not miserable—but it’s been a bit of a devil.

Ethel

We ought to live together.

Grainger

On what?

Ethel

On what we can get.

Grainger

No, thank you.

Ethel

We might as well not be married. I believe you hate me for having married you. Do you—do you?

Grainger

Now Ethel, drop it. Don’t get excited. You know I don’t feel anything of the sort.

Ethel

(weeping) But you don’t love me.

Grainger

(tenderly) Why, I do, Ethel, I do.

Ethel

I love you, George, I love you.

Grainger

Poor old Ethel—and I love you, And whoever says I don’t, is a liar.

Ethel

You’ve been true to me, George?

Grainger

What do you mean?

Ethel

Have you been true to me?

Brentnall

No, he hasn’t. Grainger (fiercely) Now Billy!

Brentnall

I am your husband’s old friend, Brentnall, and your friend, Mrs. Grainger. (Gets out of bed, shakes hands with ethel.)

Ethel

I didn’t know you were there.

Brentnall

Never mind. (Puts on a dressing gown.)

Ethel

Do you say George hasn’t been true to me?

Brentnall

I do. Do you really love him?

Ethel

He is my husbnnd.

Brentnall

You do love him, I can see. Then, look here, keep him. You can do it, I should think. Keep him. And you, George, be decent.

Grainger

Be decent yourself.

Brentnall

I am. (Lights a cigarette,) You don’t mind if I smoke?

Ethel

No. George, oh George! It’s not true what he says, is it?

Grainger

No!

Ethel

(weeping) I couldn’t bear it. (Embracing him.) I couldn’t bear it.

Brentnall

(aside) That’s the ticket.

Grainger

Never mind, little girl— never mind.

Ethel

You won’t leave me again?

Brentnall

(aside) Good shot!

Grainger

What can I do?

Ethel

I’ve got seventy pounds, George, I’ve got seventy pounds.

Grainger

I don’t want your money, Ethel.

Ethel

You don’t mind making a fool of me, and neglecting me, but you won’t have my money.

Grainger

Now Ethel—

Ethel

(flashing) Isn’t it so?

Grainger

No, Ethel.

Ethel

Then we’ll live together on seventy pounds, till you get a job?

Grainger

But you see—

Ethel

(turning, flashing, to Brentnall) Has he been living straight— do they know here he’s married?

Brentnall

I’ve told a few of them. Ethel (turning slowly to Grainger) Now then—

Grainger

You can do what the hell you like.

Ethel

Then I shall live with you, from this minute onwards.

Brentnall

Knocked out, George!

Grainger

Curse you, Brentnall.

Brentnall

You are a rotter, my dear fellow.

Ethel

(weeping) There’s baby crying. (Exit, weeping. Brentnall smokes a cigarette—Grainger fumes.)

Brentnall

(throwing him a dressing gown) You’d better clothe yourself —you’ll feel stronger. Grainger (getting into the dressing gown) What d’you reckon you’re up to?

Brentnall

Don’t be a fool, George, don’t be a swine. If you’re going to clear out, stand up and say so honorably! Say you’ll not abide by your marriage. You can do that, with decency.

Grainger

How the devil can I?

Brentnall

Will you?

Grainger

No, damn it, how can I? I’m not a—

Brentnall

Very well then, you won’t clear out, you won’t renounce your marriage. Very well then, go and live with the girl, and be decent. Have a cigarette! (Grainger takes a cigarette.)

ohainoer

It’s a cursed rotten hole—

Brentnall

Then for the Lord’s sake, make it as comfortable as possible, if you’re going to stop in it.

Grainger

Hark!

Brentnall

Sally!

ohainoer

It is, begad! (etiiel appears.)

etiiel

There’s a woman enquiring for you.

Grainger

What for—what does she want?

Ethel

She wants you.

Grainger

Hm! Is it Sally? She’s been running after me ever since I’ve been here, bless her.

Brentnall

Let’s have her up. (Calling.) Do come upstairs, Miss Magneer. It’s quite decent.

Grainger

It’s a bit thick, Billy.

(Enter Sally.)

Brentnall

(to Sally) Excuse our appearance, won’t you? How do you do? (Shakes hands.)

Sally

How do you do?

Brentnall

Have you been introduced to Mrs. Grainger? Mrs. Doctor Grainger—Miss Magneer.

Sally

I’ve been given to understand this is Mrs. Doctor Grainger—and that the baby downstairs—

Brentnall

Is Master Jimmy Grainger. Quite so.

Sally

I think it is quite so. It’s hap-pen quite so, but it’s not quite the thing.

Brentnall

Don’t let us quarrel, Sally. Don’t be quarreling with us the last half hour we shall be here.

Sally

Perhaps not. But what was he masquerading round as not married for, if he had a wife and a child?

Ethel

You see, Miss Magneer, the fact that Dr. Grainger chose to keep his marriage a secret wouldn’t have hurt you, unless you’d rushed in to be hurt.

Sally

Yes—moaning to say as I ran after him. (To Grainger.) Eh?

Grainger

Well—what else can you call it, Sally?

Sally

And who wanted me to walk down the fields with him, the first time he saw me?

Grainger

I must say I think you wanted me quite as much, if not more, than I wanted you, Sally.

Sally

Oh, did I?

Ethel

I have no doubt of it.

Sally

And did every single girl you met want you then, Dr. Grainger?

Grainger

I never said so nor meant so.

Sally

The one downstairs, for instance.

Grainger

Who d’you mean?

Sally

Annie Calladine.

Grainger

What’s she doing here?

Ethel

She met me at the station. I left her holding baby.

Sally

Let her come up, and say her share. No, you daren’t and you know it.

Grainger

Daren’t I? I say, Annie— Annie!

Annie’s voice

Yes!

Grainger

Would you mind coming upstairs a minute?

Sally

Now you s’ll hear her side, as well.

Enter Annie.

Brentnall

You will excuse us—we were not expecting callers.

Annie

How do you do?

Grainger

Annie, Sally wants you to say everything you can against me, in Ethel’s hearing.

Annie

I don’t wish to say everything I can against you, Dr. Grainger. But I do wish to say this, that you arc a danger to every unmarried girl, when you go about as you have gone, here. And Mrs. Grainger had better look after you very closely, if she means to keep you.

Grainger

Thank you, Annie, very nice.

Annie

Almost as nice as you have been to me.

Grainger

I’m not aware that I’ve done you much damage.

Annie

If you haven’t, it’s not your fault.

Ethel

flings herself suddenly on the bed, weeping wildly.

Sally

I’m thankful I’m not his wife.

Annie

And I am more than thankful.

Brentnall

Don’t cry, Mrs. Grainger. George is all right, really. Annie (fiercely): He is not, Mr. Brentnall.

Sally

Neither is he.

Brentnall

Nay, don’t cry, Mrs. Grainger.

Elsa Smith’s voice, calling in a jolly singsong

“Knabe, Knabe, wo bist du?”

Brentnall

Gott sei dank, du bist gekommen. Komm hinauf.

Elsa Smith’s voice

Ja! (Runs upstairs—enter, chattering in German.) Oh!

Brentnall

(Shaking hands) Frightful muddle! Miss Annie Calladine— Mrs. Grainger’s awfully cut up because George has been flirting round.

Elsa

With you, Miss Magneer—and Miss Calladine?

Sally

Not to mention the rest.

Elsa

Oh—oh! I’m sorry. But don’t cry, Mrs. Grainger, please. He’s not a villain if he makes love to the other girls, surely. Perhaps it’s not nice. But it was under trying circumstances.

Brentnall

That’s what I say.

Elsa

Yes, yes. You’re just as bad yourself. I know you.

Brentnall

Nay Elsa, I’m not the same.

Elsa

Oh, oh—now don’t try to duck your head in the whitewash pail with me, no. I won’t have it. Don’t cry, Mrs. Grainger, don’t cry. He loves you, I’m sure he does, even if be makes love to the others. (To Grainger.) Don’t you? (No reply.) Now you are sulking just like a great baby. And then that’s your little baby downstairs? Ah, the dear! (Sobbing from ethel.) Never mind, never mind, cry out your cry, then let me talk to you.

Brentnall

Come by motor car?

Elsa

Yes, Will Hobson drove me.

Brentnall

Ha!

Elsa

I like him, so you needn’t say “Ha!”

Brentnall

Ha!

Elsa

(laughing—putting her hand on his shoulder) Not had breakfast, and smoking, and talking to ladies. Aren’t you ashamed, sir?

Brentnall

I’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

Elsa

(laughing) No, no; hear him. (Kisses him.) You are a dear, but a dreadful liar.

Brentnall

Nay, I’ll be damned—I beg your pardon.

Elsa

No, you never use bad language, do you?

Brentnall

Not in the presence of ladies.

Elsa

Well, now listen, I prefer to have you as you are with men. If you swear when you are with men, I prefer you to swear when you arc with me. Will you promise me you will?

Brentnall

It wouldn’t be a hard promise to keep.

Elsa

Promise me you won’t have one philosophy when you are with men, in your smoke room, and another when you are with me, in the drawing room. Promise me you will be faithful to your philosophy that you have with other men, even before me, always.

Brentnall

Ha! Not so easy.

Elsa

Promise me. I want the real you, not your fiction.

Brentnall

I promise to do my best.

Elsa

Yes, and I trust you, you are so decent.

Brentnall

Nay, Elsa— Elsa: Yes you are. Oh I see your faults, I do. But you are decent. (To ethel, who has stopped crying, but who still lies on the bed.) Don’t be too cross with Dr. Grainger, will you, Mrs. Grainger? It’s not very dreadful. Perhaps Miss Magneer loved him a little—

Sally

That I never did—

Elsa

(laughing) Yes, you did. And (to Annie) you were inclined to love him?

Annie

That is the worst part of it.

Elsa

Well, I, who am a woman, when I see other women who are sweet or handsome or charming, I look at them and think, “Well, how can a man help loving them, to some extent? Even if he loves me, if I am not there, how can he help loving them?”

Annie

But not a married man.

Elsa

I think a man ought to be fair. He ought to offer his love for just what it is—the love of a man married to another woman—and so on. And, if there is any strain, he ought to tell his wife—”I love this other woman.”

Sally

It’s worse than Mormons.

Brentnall

But better than subterfuge, bestiality, or starvation and sterility.

Elsa

Yes, yes. If only men were decent enough.

Brentnall

And women.

Elsa

Yes. Don’t fret, Mrs. Grainger. By loving these two women, Dr. Grainger has not lost any of his love for you. I would stay with him.

Sally

He certainly never loved me— except for what he could get.

Elsa

Ha-ha! (Very quaint and very earnest.) That is rather dreadful. But yes, he must have loved you—something in you.

Sally

It was something.

Elsa

Yes, I see what you mean—but I don’t think you’re quite right. No, it’s not quite so brutal.

Brentnall

Shall I walk across to you after lunch?

Elsa

Yes, do that.

Annie

I think I will go. Goodbye, Dr. Grainger. (Shakes hands.) Goodbye, Sally. Goodbye, Mr. Brentnall.

Brentnall

Goodbye, Annie. Remember what I told you, and decide for the best. Don’t be afraid. (Kisses her.)

Elsa

Yes. I think, with a little love, we can help each other so much.

Annie

(to Elsa) Goodbye. (Crossing and putting her arms round ethel.) He isn’t bad, dear. You must bring out the best in him. The baby is a dear. And you’ll write to me. (Exit.)

Sally

Well, goodbye all. And if I were your wife, Dr. Grainger, I’d keep the bit between your teeth. Elsa: No, no. No one should be driven like a horse between the shafts. Each should live his own life; you are there to help your husband, not to drive him. Sally: And to watch he doesn’t help himself too often. Well, goodbye. Shall we be seeing you again, Mr. Brentnall?

Brentnall

Next week.

Sally

Right—do come. Goodbye. (Exit.)

Elsa

(crossing to Ethel) Goodbye. Don’t make sorrow and trouble in the world; try to make happiness. I think Satan is in hard judgment, even more than is sin. Try to exonerate. ethel: It’s such a shock. Elsa (hissing her) Ah yes, it is cruel. But don’t let your own suffering blind you, try not to. Goodbye. (Kisses her.) Goodbye, Dr. Grainger. (Shakes hands.)

Brentnall

I will see you downstairs —by the way, Grainger and Mrs. Grainger arc going to stay in my rooms.

Elsa

How perfectly delightful! Then I shall see you in London. How lovely! Goodbye.

Brentnall

I suppose I’m respectable enough to see you downstairs. (Exeunt Elsa and Brentnall. orainoer and his wife sit silent a while. They are afraid of each other.)

Grainger

Will you go to London to Billy’s rooms?

Ethel

Does he want us to?

Grainger

I suppose so. (Silence.)

Grainger

Will you?

Ethel

Do you want me to?

Grainger

You please yourself. I’m not coming to Wolverhampton. Ethel(trying not to cry) Well, we’ll go to London.

Grainger

It’s a damned mess. Ethel(crying) You’d better do just as you like, then, and I’ll go home. Grainger: I didn’t mean that. Ethel(crying) I’ll go home. Grainger: Don’t begin again, Ethel. ethel: You hate the thought of being married to me. So you can be free of me.

Grainger

And what about the baby? Don’t talk rot, Ethel. (Puts his arm round her.)

Ethel

You don’t care for that, either.

Grainger

Don’t I—you don’t know. They all make me look as black as I can—

Ethel

Well, I don’t know.

Grainger

Yes they do—and they always have done. I never have had anybody to stick up for me. (Weeps a few tears.) I’ve had a rotten time, a rotten time.

Ethel

And so have I.

Grainger

You don’t know what it is to be a man.

Ethel

I know what it is to be your wife.

Grainger

Are you going to sling it in my teeth forever?

Ethel

No, I’m not. But what did you marry me for? (Cries.)

Grainger

(embracing her) You’re the only girl I could have married, Ethel. I’ve been a rotter to you, I have.

Ethel

Never mind, we shall get on together, we shall. Mind, somebody is coming. (A knock—enter Mrs. Plum with the baby.)

Mrs. Plum

He wants you, the precious little lad, he does. Oh Dr. Grainger, let me see you hold him! (Gives the baby to Grainger. Enter Brentnall.)

Brentnall

That’s the way, George. Grainger: Shut up, fool.

CURTAIN

Copyright, 1940, by Frieda Lawrence, All rights, including those of reproduction and performance, strictly reserved.